Titles are not my thing. But this year, I’m sure, is going to be my year! At least one of them. We all get more than just one good year in our lives, but I’m determined this will be one of my good ones. Not that the last few have not been good. To be honest, the whole pandemic world-shift was pretty good for me overall. I mean, I didn’t make a killing off of selling stuff people needed at a 400% markup, or rediscover myself in ways I’d never imagined, but it was still good for me in more ways than it wasn’t.
ANYWAY, the real thing that happened between 2020 and 2022 is that the world was just fucked up enough, while my personal world was becoming stable, to give me a sense of everything being the way a traumatized GenX’er needs them to be, which means getting better, but being pure chaos and terror, mixed with insecurity and stability, with a dash of “So that just happened”.
But for now, things are both stable and exciting. My marriage survived the pandemic, WFH, a puppy, and crappy job, and back to a challenging job that is WFH. My personality survived being disappointed that what happened wasn’t enough to get the ‘healthy’ people, those not traumatized by events or naturally internalized people, to understand how people like me feel. And just maybe, I’m glad for them that they don’t. While my personal search for safety and acceptance wants more people to understand how I feel about the world at large, my personal search for contentment knows this isn’t the path. No one should have to go down it, or feel it, for me to feel safer.
What that 2 year time period did allow me is a chance to actually allow my personal desire to interact as little as possible in person while still being a vibrant and valuable person while I interact with people from my own home. It gave me, and many others, a chance to not have to explain why we are awkward, a chance to not have to constantly BE awkward, but still get to be an integral part of something.
At this moment, I realize that I’m past the point of feeling the energy to help change the world. This is the age when people give support to the younger people who have potentially more valid fights, because we failed the fights presented to us when we were young. I’m tired, my body hurts, my soul has losses that leave it… less, and the problems ahead of us mount. I’m excited by my step-son, my daughter… they are picking the fights that need to be fought and I’m so proud of them. I can only do so much, and I know I’m still young by many standards, but the fights have gone on so long already. It’s not just that the world changes by generation, it’s that it doesn’t actually change much through generations. There are different fights, sure, but in the end all of the fights seem to be about those of us who want to think expansively, to think about the human race at large, rather than think about the individuals and the small communities we live in. For some it seems ‘Human Rights’ aren’t a thing that actually exist because that would detract from the individuals struggle so far, and for others they are the only thing that can move us forward.